SEXUAL LIFE: GOOD TALKERS MAKE GREAT LOVERS
The couples that seem to come through the experience of erection problems best are the ones who keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes it takes a great effort on the part of both the husband and wife. Potency problems are potentially more destructive players in a relationship than other health problems. When the partners maintain open communication, are supportive of each other and take the attitude that “we’re going to work this thing through,” a relationship can even be strengthened by the problem. Jay and Hilda have been married three decades and have had more than their share of troubles, including financial setbacks and some serious health problems for both of them. “We’ve been through a lot together,” says Hilda, reflecting on their shared years. “The two of us, and our two sons. But we’re a special, good family. In a way I think our troubles have made us especially close. Even now we will sit around the kitchen table and just talk things out.”
Jay is a plain spoken man who had to quit school at an early age to go to work to support his family. Now nearly ready to retire, he regrets his lack of education and the fact that he’s labored at factory jobs all of his life. But he takes great pride in the fact that he’s always supported his family and managed to help put his two sons through college. Jay is also a man who always had a strong sex drive, and he and Hilda count sex as one of the great pleasures in their lives.
“My goal has always been to satisfy my wife,” he says. “Our communication is excellent. After all, what’s good for her is good for me.”
“We always had a good sex life,” Hilda concurs.
Several years ago, Jay suffered a series of health problems. He had major surgery several times, including a prostate operation. Unfortunately, Jay’s doctor gave him little advice or information about the possible changes the surgery and the major stress on his system from the different operations could bring. As far as sex goes, “He just said use it or lose it,” recalls Hilda.
Once Jay recovered from his health problems, he was eager to resume relations with his wife. But he couldn’t keep an erection. “I had a lot of stress in my life, still,” he says. “I had two kids in college, and Hilda has a chronic illness which sometimes flares up.” So, at first, Jay attributed his erection problems to these very real pressures.
But when the problem persisted, it began to take its toll. “The way it happened, my husband decided he wasn’t interested in sex. This was a big change! He was always the one to initiate sex,” Hilda says. “But he couldn’t maintain an erection. We talked about it. Jay was very concerned, and said, ‘Every time we start I know I won’t keep an erection, or I won’t get one.’ I kept reassuring him. I didn’t want him to worry.”
Jay was frustrated, and tried to use up his sexual energy on more physical activities. He took up athletics with a vengeance, He felt better after a good sweat, but the erection problem persisted. Yet, unlike some couples, Jay and Hilda did not stop communicating. All through this difficult period, they remained emotionally close. The skills that had enabled them to weather financial and health problems kept them going through this very difficult time. Bolstered by the fact that they had such a strong relationship, Hilda didn’t feel personally threatened by her husband’s problem. And she made sure she was completely involved in seeking a solution. “I went with him to the doctor all the time! In fact, I insisted on being there. One doctor kept trying to get me to leave, but I told him, you’re not going to show me anything I haven’t seen before!”
Finally, after a confusing and frustrating period of time, a specialist diagnosed Jay’s problem: Peyronie’s disease. Although some patients get better with nonsurgical treatment, the physician thought Jay’s condition was unlikely to reverse itself. If Jay wanted to have erections, his treatment would have to be a penile implant.
As with every other aspect of the problem, the couple discussed the proposed solution in some detail. Jay decided to have the operation, and Hilda agreed and supported his choice.
If s now been almost 18 months since Jay had the surgery, and he and his wife are quite happy with the results. “We had coped with so much that this wasn’t all that much to deal with. We work together,” says Hilda.
In this case, Jay and Hilda functioned as a team throughout Jay’s potency problem the same way they had dealt with other stresses. And although Jay’s physicians apparently didn’t take full advantage of the fact that Hilda was an available source of important information about her husband’s spirits, concerns and general well-being, she and her husband made sure that she remained involved.
Jay and Hilda had a lot going for them including many years of practice in talking openly to each other and a history of good sexual relations. But even couples who get off on the wrong foot can reroute themselves before it’s too late.
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